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How do values affect behavior? Values can affect behavior in positive and negative ways.
When you live according to values, you lead a happier life. Values affect behavior by acting as an internal GPS. Holding them in your mind can guide you to live a more meaningful life.
When you don’t live life in accordance with your values, you can feel down, and life can seem meaningless. You may feel this way occasionally, or it could be constant. When you feel this way it’s nearly impossible to find joy and happiness.
If you take stock of your life, and you’re unhappy with how you’re living, what you’ve accomplished, and where you see the future going, then it’s time for you to identify your core values. Read on to learn more about what values are, how to identify them, how they affect behavior both positively and negatively, and how to start living in accordance with them for a fulfilling life.
What Are Values?
So, what do I mean when I say values? Values are the principles you live by. They are the core beliefs that inspire you to take the actions that support your life purpose. They are the unwavering standards that drive you to do the things that are important to you.
Dr. Russ Harris, a world-renowned psychotherapist, and one of the world’s leading experts on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) says it best in his book ACT Made Simple:
“Values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave; how you want to treat yourself, others, and the world around you.” — (P.S. Harris covers this in-depth in his book, I highly recommend picking up a copy. You should also check out his other bestseller The Happiness Trap.)
Values are one of the most important concepts in personal growth and self-awareness. Understanding values can help you discover your purpose in life. But the first step toward living a fulfilling life is identifying your core values.
How to Identify Your Values
If you are like most people, you might wonder if you have the right values or if you’re doing the right things. The truth is only you can know because values are different for every person.
Several different techniques can help you identify your core values. When I worked through this concept with my therapist, she told me to picture my funeral. Then she asked me, “when you’re gone, what do you want people to say about you?”
The question is a powerful one, and I had to give it some considerable thought. My answer was that I wanted to be remembered as a good father and husband. This taught me that family is one of my strongest core values.
You can answer this question yourself to identify your values. Additionally, I have created an interactive tool that will walk you through several questions designed to surface your values. The tool is below, you won’t have to leave this page. If you’re on a mobile device, and you have trouble with the embedded tool, please use this direct link.
When Values Are Challenging
If you’re having a hard time discovering your values, or perhaps if you think the exercise is pointless, then something may be blocking you.
You could be avoiding it because of emotional pain. If you’ve been living a life that’s inconsistent with your values, then that can be hard to reconcile. Perhaps you’re not happy with some choices you’ve made and that’s preventing you from moving forward.
I struggle with this myself. Values work is ongoing. I’ve been feeling guilty because I’ve lost touch with my grandmother on my biological father’s side of the family. My therapist has encouraged me to write a letter to my grandmother to express how I feel, even if I never send it. I’ve been avoiding this task because I don’t want to deal with that guilt. More importantly, I don’t want to face the abandonment issues that will arise when thinking about my relationship with my father and that side of my family. I need to figure out what core value this action of writing a letter connects with to make it happen.
Another common roadblock is getting stuck on negative thoughts. For example:
- I can’t make progress because of X, Y, and Z reasons.
- Nothing has worked so far, and neither will this.
- I don’t deserve to get better.
- I’m always going to be miserable.
- I’ll never achieve anything.
If this is the case for you, then you should read my post on how to interrupt negative thought patterns.
It’s important to consider the cost of avoidance. In my case, if I don’t do the work, I get to avoid the negative feelings. I could go on living my life just fine like that, but then I’ll never heal the trauma that’s clearly bothering me because it keeps showing up in my mind and subconscious dreams. I would also miss out on the opportunity to reconnect with my grandmother, whom I love and who was there for me as a child (and as I wrote that sentence my eyes welled up with tears, so I know this is a big hurdle to overcome).
What’s your cost? If you don’t identify your values, then you won’t have a compass to guide your life forward. You will be stuck where you are. Is that something you can live with?
Here’s the bottom line when it comes to avoidance and negative thoughts, if you’re not willing to do the work, then what I’m explaining is not going to help you. I’m not a therapist, and more importantly, I’m not your therapist. If you have unresolved trauma, then you need to find a professional who can help you.
How Do Values Affect Behavior In A Positive Way?
I stated earlier in this article, you can think of your values as your inner GPS. Use values to set yourself on the right path. This is something you can choose to do on any given day in any situation. This process is called values-based committed action.
Let’s use my core values of being a good husband and father as an example. Here are several actions I try to take to live up to these values:
- Be an emotionally supportive dad and partner.
- Set a good example for my kids by being a kind, calm person.
- Be present by playing games with them, coaching soccer, or doing things like taking them shopping.
- I make an effort to prioritize my relationship with my wife.
- When fighting with my wife I try to choose kindness and empathy rather than being right. This is something I still struggle with.
That is how values affect your behavior in a positive way. They should guide the choices you make from moment to moment, day to day. Think about your values, what types of decisions are you making every day that could bring you more in line with them?
How Do Values Affect Behavior In A Negative Way?
Values can negatively affect your behavior when you don’t live your life in accordance with them. Consider the following examples.
- If a core value of yours is friendship, but you have social anxiety and never spend time with your friends, then it probably makes you feel lonely and frustrated.
- If a core value of yours is independence, but you’re working paycheck to paycheck, then you could feel angry and hopeless that the situation will never get better.
- If a core value of yours is kindness, but you’re often rude to someone you love, it may make you feel sad and disappointed in yourself.
Think about your own life. How do values negatively affect your behavior? The good news is that if you can learn values based committed action, values are often strong enough to overcome the struggles you face.
The Importance of Flexibility When it Comes to Living Your Values
Once you discover your values, you should use them to guide your choices, but don’t feel restricted by them. They shouldn’t be rigid rules, and you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself when you don’t always live up to them. You are human, you have emotions, and those emotions are going to cloud your actions. You will make mistakes. It’s okay, I promise. That’s why this blog is called Not Quite Zen. I make lots of mistakes too.
You are not a bad person if you make a choice incongruent with your values. You are also free to change them. As I said, values work is ongoing. I’m still peeling back the layers of my psyche.
It’s all about choice. If you choose to act by your values consistently, not perfectly, you will make progress. You will live the life you want to live, and looking back 10, 20, and 30 years from now, you will be proud of the choices you have made.
Distinguish Values from Goals
One of the last, and most important, thing I need to cover is how to discern the difference between values and goals.
Goals are great to have, but they’re different from values. A goal is typically something specific you hope to achieve. Values are about living a certain way whether you achieve your goals or not. Goals are also future-focused. They are something you achieve. Values are connected to the present, where you live your life.
Let me offer you an example, earning a big promotion vs working hard at something that fulfills you. When you earn the promotion you’re done, and you have reached the goal. When you show up every day and work hard because your work matters to you that’s a value. You will continue to do that whether you earn a promotion or not.
If you focus solely on achieving goals, you will likely find dissatisfaction once you reach them. This is why so many of us are always looking toward the next great thing.
- If I get a bigger house, a nicer car, and more stuff I’ll be happy.
- If I work hard and get that great job that pays a lot more money, I’ll be happy.
- If I lose weight, I’ll be happy.
When people get or achieve these things, they are often not happy. Or at least not for long. If you’re always focused on the future, and not connecting with the present then you will have a really hard time finding happiness, and as you get older and look back, you’ll likely find that you’ve lived a life disconnected from who you truly wanted to be.
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