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If you came to this article, then chances are there’s someone you strongly dislike and you’re looking for ways to let go of those negative feelings. There are many reasons why you can feel like you hate someone. They may have hurt you in some way, they might be bullying you, they may make you feel uncomfortable, or you may feel threatened by them.
Whatever the reason, it can be really hard to let go of feelings of anger you’re harboring towards another person. So, can you have empathy for someone you hate?
Yes, it’s possible, but it takes time, patience, and effort on your part because the only thing you’re in control of is your own feelings and actions. But, in the end, it’s worth it and it will greatly improve your mental health.
This article will teach you how to develop empathy skills and come back from feeling hateful, but first, let’s talk about where empathy comes from.
Where Does Empathy Come From?
Have you ever felt your heartache for someone else? Maybe you saw a woman crying on the train, or maybe a friend of yours is going through a difficult time. You feel like you’re in their shoes and you know what they are experiencing. This feeling is empathy. Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference. And it’s not something that can just be developed overnight.
Looking at the science of empathy, experts believe that these feelings develop in early childhood. According to Dr. Jean Decety, head of the Social Cognitive Neuroscience Laboratory, at The University of Chicago:
“Empathy typically emerges as the child comes to a greater awareness of the experience of others, during the second and third years of life, and arises in the context of a social interaction.” — The Neurodevelopment of Empathy in Humans
Basically, empathy is a normal part of human development. Some people naturally feel a lot of empathy and others have a baseline level of empathy and compassion. This statement is an oversimplification of a complex scientific subject. If you’re curious about the science behind empathy I encourage you to do more research.
For this article, I’ll assume you already identify as someone who can feel empathy. If not, then you should seek professional help from a licensed psychiatrist. Now that I’ve covered where empathy comes from, the next question we need to address when understanding how to have empathy for someone you dislike is, “can empathy be learned?”
Can You Learn to be More Empathetic?
Is empathy the result of nature or nurture? A recent scientific study of 742 different pairs of twins found that: “affective empathy is between 52-57 percent heritable, whereas cognitive empathy is less determined by genetics—about 27 percent heritable, presumably influenced more by environment and learning experiences.”
So, yes, there are different types of empathy, and you can research more about them, but what this study tells us is that it’s possible for some people to learn to be more empathetic. Personally, I have experienced this. I’ve always felt empathy for people I cared about, but I also used to be very angry. As I learned to let go of anger through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and mindfulness practice, my empathy for others increased.
Understanding how to empathize with others takes time and effort. It requires us to put ourselves in the other person’s position and see life through their eyes. Let’s look at how you can start to develop more empathy in general before you start thinking about having empathy for people you hate.
How to Develop Empathy Skills
The desire to develop more empathy already tells me that you’re a good person. You’ve taken the first step. Creating positive change in yourself must start with strong motivation, so congratulations on getting this far. Now it’s time to take some action. Here are several different ways to improve your empathy skills.
1. Learn how to let go of anger.
For me, the first step in letting go of my anger was voluntarily attending an anger management class. Here are a few helpful tips I learned from that experience:
- It’s hard to be angry emotionally if you’re physically relaxed. Anger has physical symptoms. When you’re angry, your body tenses up. So, the next time you feel that way try to relax your body. Progressive muscle relaxation meditation can really help teach you how to do this. It involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups throughout your body.
- Take deep breaths. Controlling your breathing can help calm you down. You can simply count to 10 as you exhale and then release your breath slowly. You could also try box breathing, which is often used in meditation.
- Use a mantra. One person in my anger management group shared the Serenity Prayer that people who attend Alcoholics Anonymous often recite. Whether or not you are religious, the wisdom in the words can be helpful, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.”
I also wrote an in-depth post about how to calm down when you’re angry. You can read it here.
Another helpful tool in letting go of anger is using ACT therapy. There’s a great ACT-based book called “ACT on Life Not on Anger” that will teach you how to accept your angry feelings as they occur, without judging or trying to manage them. It will help teach you how to identify your values and set goals related to those values so that eventually anger will lose its power over you.
Letting go of anger is an important step to having empathy for people you dislike.
2. Practice mindfulness.
Meditating daily can help you develop mindfulness. It’s a moment to stop and be present in the moment without letting sounds, thoughts, and feelings affect you. With mindfulness, you can reach equanimity. Equanimity is a state of mind where you are calm and composed, no matter what is happening around you. It means reacting to situations with balance and composure. It means being able to see the bigger picture, recognizing that things don’t always go as planned, and being okay with it.
Practicing mindfulness will help you strengthen your ability to detach from emotions and decide what you want to do with them. Also, if you’re not into meditation there are several activities you can do to practice mindfulness without meditation.
3. Take in diverse perspectives.
How can you put yourself in other people’s shoes if you’re always surrounded by others who share similar views as you? There are several different ways you can learn about other people.
- Consume diverse media. I’m sure you have a lot of different interests, but how often do you learn about those interests from people of color? For example, if you’re interested in mental health check out the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Watch a movie like “Parasite” or “Life of Pi.” Read a book like “The Hate You Give” or “The Kite Runner.” If you’re an introvert like me, then this route will help expand your worldview without having to introduce yourself to people.
- Attend a cultural festival. Many cities and towns have all sorts of different cultural festivals that give you the opportunity to immerse yourself in another culture.
- Broaden your friend group. You can do this by taking a class in a different neighborhood than your own, joining a Meetup group, or finding a club or group online. This method allows you to do something you’re interested in like spin class or cooking with people who share similar interests from different backgrounds. Just make sure you’re genuine in your attempt to get to know someone better.
4. Practice empathy with people you already care about.
A great way to strengthen empathy is by using it when you have a disagreement with someone. Make a concerted effort to understand their point of view and see things from their perspective. After you get the hang of this, you will likely notice it expanded beyond people you already like.
5. Listen with an open heart.
In conversation, especially with people who have differing points of view, spend more time listening than speaking. Be open to new ideas and try not to interrupt. It’s ok to disagree in the end if you have a strong point of view, but be willing to take in new information before digging in your heels.
These ideas will get you started, but like anything new, it takes time to develop a habit. Especially one that strengthens your emotional intelligence.
How to Have Empathy for Someone You Hate
All right, let’s get to the heart of this post and talk about how to have empathy for someone you really can’t stand. Before you get to this point, hopefully, you have spent time practicing empathy and expanding it to different groups of people. Start by understanding where the person you’re hating might be coming from. By taking a deep breath and thinking about what they must be feeling, you can see things from their perspective, even if you think they are completely wrong. Try to do this even if you think they are just a nasty person by nature.
Try imagining how your life would be different if you were in their shoes; easier said than done I know. Think about the challenges they face and how that may have shaped their behavior or decisions. You may find yourself understanding why they acted in a certain way, which can lead to less anger and resentment towards them.
Try to avoid getting stuck on your own perspective and hear theirs out before judging them. Even if they seem ridiculous to you. It’s easy for us to over-analyze everything and not be open to another person’s perspectives because we already know what we think happened and what needs to happen next. Remembering that other people may have different thoughts than us will make us more empathetic towards them.
To understand where they’re coming from, ask questions about their point of view instead of telling them how they should feel or behave. Learning how others experience the world isn’t always easy, but it’s worth trying if it helps us show understanding and empathy towards others who are different from us.
Letting go of the anger you feel towards someone who wronged you is difficult, but it’s possible. In the heat of the moment, or whenever you feel that anger rising step away and use your mindfulness skills. Notice your feelings from a distance and let them flow by. You can stop negative thought patterns and observe them objectively with practice. Read our post on interrupting negative thought patterns to learn how.
This can help you see things from a new perspective and come up with new solutions for the problem at hand.
The Benefits of Having Empathy for Someone You Hate
There are many benefits of having empathy, including a better mood and increased understanding. Many psychologists believe that empathy is a key ingredient to living a happy life. When we have empathy for others, we’re able to see the world from their perspective and learn more about them as people. This can help us understand why they do the things they do or make the decisions that they make.
Empathy doesn’t just apply to other people in our lives; it applies to ourselves as well. Being empathetic towards ourselves means understanding how we want to be treated and what kind of treatment we deserve. When we can understand how we want to be treated, it becomes easier for us to recognize how other people want to be treated as well. This makes it easier for us to interact with others respectfully because we know what respect feels like from our own perspective.
Additionally, learning to have more empathy will decrease your anger and increase your calm. When you are able to handle interpersonal relationships with measured composure they improve. This can also help improve your career as people skills are important no matter what you do for a living.
Once you start listening, you’ll be surprised at how much easier it is to understand other people and feel empathy for them.
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